Anxiety and Depression

Anxiety and Depression

For years I suffered from the debilitating clench of anxiety and depression. Anxiety and depression started lurking into my life in 1998 after my daughter was born. However, I wasn’t diagnosed until I was six months pregnant with my son and at a well-baby check for my daughter. Our family physician nicely asked me, “So, how is mom doing?” At this point, I broke down and was uncontrollably sobbing. A well-baby check soon became a not-so-well momma check. Our family doctor and midwife kept a close eye on me for the duration of my pregnancy, with a plan that once I gave birth, I would seek the help I needed.

That day came and went. I was too scared to face the fact of what it meant to be a depressed person that also suffered from anxiety. I thought if I would ignore it, it all would just go away. I thought it was just “all up in my head” and that I will be “fine”. Well, it wasn’t all up in my head and no, I was not fine! First, I started with seeing our family doctor and just treating my anxiety and depression with medication. It wasn’t until my kids were 4 and 6 years old that I still wasn’t feeling myself. I needed additional help. I really needed to seek out counseling. I went through a few therapists until I found one that I really liked. It was important to me to find someone that I felt comfortable with and trusted. I needed to understand why I was feeling like this and what else could I do about it besides taking anti-anxiety and antidepressants. 

Fast forward to today. I am not currently taking any medications and after five intense years, I am no longer in therapy. I am forever grateful for the care I was given. I learned and developed skills to cope with my anxiety and depression. I use them every day. I consciously must be aware and in-check with myself so that I do not slip back into my depression. The winter months are harder for me but knowing this, I can keep myself moving forward and doing the things I need to do to stay ahead of my anxiety and depression.

I am not suggesting the following works for everyone, so please make sure you do what is best for you. For me, I first make sure I get plenty of rest and fresh air. It is important for me to incorporate physical activity and eat healthy foods. If I slack for too long and don’t take care of myself, I can easily slip back into experiencing anxiousness and depression. Establishing anchors that incorporate my five senses has been extremely helpful too. Within the past couple of years, yoga has been a huge help for me. Most recently, practicing meditation regularly has been beneficial.

Almost two years ago, I distinctly had a realization that has since helped me with both my anxiety and depression. The realization of the importance of living in the moment and really being present. I was on my way to my yoga class and was stopped by a red light. As I waited for the light to turn green, I noticed I was staring straight ahead. In doing this, I realized I could only see things clearly about one or two blocks ahead of me. After that, things looked small, I began to squint to make objects out. Then I thought to myself, what about if I look in my rearview mirror? Hmm, the same was true when I looked in the mirror behind me. So, I looked to my right and then to my left and thought, “huh”. Oddly, things were very crisp and clear directly in front of me, behind me and to the side of me. At that moment, my eyes began to fill with tears. I discovered that my depression would consume me when I was stuck in the past. When I would dwell on all that had happened in my life and how things just weren’t fair. I also discovered that my anxiety would hit me hard when I was worried about the future. The future was unknown to me and there was a real fear of what that may hold for me. I discovered, that day, that it was in the present moment, the here and the now, the space that literally surrounded me, that if I just stay in the present moment I would gain focus and clarity. It also was then that I discovered the power was in the present moment because the decisions (the choices) that I made in that space would ultimately decide my future. The importance of remaining in the present moment is so significant and if I breathe and slow down, I would make better choices that would lead to more of what I wanted for my future.

This experience was lifechanging for me. Recently, I have had this memory serve me well. In fact, I have shared this experience a few times over the past month with a few people. Anxiety, depression, constantly worrying about the past and the future is something that so many people struggle with. I am not alone, you are not alone.

The picture of the flame surrounded in darkness represents the feeling that I had for so long and one that consumed me mentally, physically, emotionally. I am grateful that I reached out and asked for help. I am grateful that my doctor, my therapist and I did not give up on me. I think quite a bit about the longer version of this story I am sharing here, and I am so happy the flame is still burning inside of me. From time to time I still am reminded and feel the effects of my anxiety and depression, but I am no longer ashamed of it. I have learned to embrace it and reframe it to tap into my intuition and listen to what my body is telling me.

If you, or someone you know is affected by anxiety and depression, please know you/they are not alone. Even when the thoughts and feelings take over, or perhaps isolation and debilitation set in, look for the burning light within and take a deep breath. Trust there is help for you and trust that you can gain control again. Your journey may differ from mine (remember this is not my entire story I am sharing here) but you do not have to go it alone.

Much love to you all and please feel free to share this with someone who could maybe benefit from it. If you want to hear the longer story, I am open to share. Please feel free to contact me. For those of you already knowing you want help, please know you are not alone, reach out to someone or seek professional help.

With love,

heather