Embracing Your Relationship

Our “Non-Traditional, Non-Traditional” Relationship…

Nine years ago, I was on a journey of focusing on being the best mom that I could be and doing the best that I could as a student starting a 4-year college for the first time. I wasn’t in the mind frame of starting any new relationships with anyone. However, January 8th of 2010, that all changed.

This was the day that I met my life partner. We met for coffee and literally, the rest is history. We just clicked, we both just knew…this is it. We talked for hours, we laughed, there was an instant connection. The best part was it was easy. We didn’t talk about our past, we just talked about who we were in that moment and who we wanted to be in the future.

In May of 2010, we decided to move in together. We decided it was time to blend our families. This seemed like a great idea, and maybe it was at that time. It is a part of our story that I would never erase. We were open to the idea and thought it was worth a try. We tried this for 5 years. It wasn’t perfect. In fact, it was harder than what we had expected. I think we had false expectations. Since he and I connected so easily, so quickly, perhaps we thought our family would too. Maybe the problem was that we went into it with expectations. I don’t really know…and quite frankly, it doesn’t matter to me.

Through the first five years of our relationship there was so much change, so much learning. Ultimately, we found ourselves at two different stages in life. Along with the realization that it just wasn’t working. The harder we tried to make it work, the more it didn’t. A blessing in disguise was the day the relationship dissolved. It was decided that my children, my dog and I would move out. I was heartbroken.

Three months of not being together, we realized that we missed each other and that we needed to figure out was best for us. The time away saved our relationship. We learned we needed to find a way for us to communicate with each other. We needed to figure out and share what we as individuals needed and wanted. We did a lot of self-reflection, both as individuals and as a couple; as a family. During that time, I was a whirlwind of emotions. There was so much uncertainty and so many feelings that came with it.

What did I really want? What did he really want? What was best for us and our family? The first thing we did was throw out the expectations, we threw out our beliefs of what made a couple, a couple; what made a family, a family. Those beliefs, ideas, no longer served us. All we knew was there was something missing when we were apart and there was so much love that was begging for us to be reunited.

Once we decided to do what was best for us and stopped caring about what everyone else thought, things started to shift. What if we lived in separate houses (which happen to be only two blocks away), what if we decided to not get married, what if people judged our relationship, what if ____ (fill in the blank with whatever the possible “what ifs” were)?? Why was I giving other people’s opinions so much value in what I was doing with my life? This is my life and my relationship after all, not theirs.

All that mattered to me was that whatever we decided to do, it had to be what would work for us. If he and I were happy than our children would be happy. Our relationship and the validity of it wasn’t for anyone else to decide. This month it marked 9 years for us. We have been blessed with a happy and healthy relationship. Our children see two happy people together sharing a life in a way that works for us. Nothing is ever perfect. There are still challenges. The point is, we let go of trying so hard to fit into a box that our society says in “normal” or “isn’t a sin”.

In fact, I think what we have is genius. We have our own spaces. We decide when we share our space with each other. We have a short distance to walk when we want to share coffee together. We have our sleep overs whenever we want. We found a way that works for us. We are both two independent people that have our own ways of doing things. We both of two children from past marriages that have their own space. There is no pressure that everyone must create a bond. There are no expectations that now they must adapt to different parenting styles. Heck, I get to cook what I want, when I want. I can have a messy corner of the house if I want. I have my own morning routine and I don’t have to share a space with anyone unless I want to. It works for us!

We celebrate Holidays together as a family, we attend events for the kids just like every other family. The difference is we don’t share a roof and four walls together and we are not married. We are a couple that loves one another and has created a unified, committed relationship. We choose to be a part of each other’s lives. We choose to spend quality time together. We created our happiness.

I love being at a place in life where I am focused on listening to my inner voice. I am living more freely, loving more passionately, learning to let go and breaking free of what no longer serves me. The journey I have been on in love and relationships is evolving and is revealing a world of possibilities that my younger self always envisioned to be true for me. Breaking down my own barriers that I have built around me for protection in context of love and relationships is allowing me to come from a place of love, genuity, and authenticity instead of fear, protection, and fallacy. Letting go of the expectations of others has allowed me to be my true self. I love our non-traditional, non-traditional relationship.

I learned to love myself first with vulnerability and trust and then share with others; I wanted to know what my own love was. I had fun dating myself for a period of time. It was important for me, as I didn’t want to lose myself while being in a relationship with another. I reclaimed my own identity and became intentional in my relationship. I made a choice to throw out what no longer served me. I broke free of the chains of the opinions of others. I willingly stepped into the true me and I haven’t looked back since.