Spirituality
Spirituality
This is one of the areas I value in life and in life coaching. I have come to understand that Spirituality, in my own life, has been one of constant change. There have been times when my Spirituality has been strong and vibrant, other times it has been weak and dull, and it has just been status quo and not one that I put too much thought or effort into. This may be a very different spiritual path than yours, but that is ok.
As a young child, I grew up belonging to a WELS Lutheran Church. I did what all the other people in my family and members of the Church would do. I went to Church on Sunday mornings, followed by an hour of Sunday School. When I was a little older, I remember changing Churches and we then belonged to a Missouri Synod Lutheran Church. However, to me, it was all the same and I knew no difference. As a youth, there came a time when I attended Catechism classes. I attended these hour-long instructions on Wednesday nights in the basement of our Church school and later after I learned the 10 Commandments and everything else I was supposed to, I was confirmed. It wasn’t until I was in my 20’s when I remember transferring once again back to a WELS Lutheran Church and have remained a member ever since.
Attending Church on a regular basis was not something that I always felt I needed, nor wanted, to do. There definitely have been times throughout the years where I haven’t stepped foot in my Church, or any Church, and then there have been times when I was considered a very active member. It was sort of an on and off again type of relationship for me. I am not sure why that was, nor have I ever sat down to reflect on why that may be. Until now.
Growing up, I pretty much did what I was supposed to do and what my parents expected me to do in the realm of my religious faith. Basically, this really boiled down to attending Church and being a good person. In my later teenage years and early 20’s, I didn’t see much value in attending Church but my faith and my belief in God were always strong. I married young, I had my children young. As a family, we attended Church and both children were baptized. When my children were old enough to attend school, they went to a private Lutheran School. Everything was good.
It wasn’t until my divorce that I started to challenge my faith and God. It wasn’t until I was in the thick of my deep depression, where I totally felt alone and everything I for so long believed was being put into question. Why was I so depressed that I lived in complete darkness and misery, why would God do that to me? Why would my marriage end and leave me to raise my two children without my husband under the same roof, why would God to that to us? What had I done to deserve such pain, hurt and anger?
Then one day, after shutting myself in my apartment alone (kids were with their father) all weekend in complete solitude, shades drawn, no food or drink, no connection to the outside world in any way, shape or form. It was only me, my bed and my depression. Then something happened. I managed to get out of bed to go to the restroom, and it was at the moment when I reached my bedroom doorway that entered in to the hallway right next to the bathroom, I felt it. I felt Him. I felt God right next to me. I literally had a feeling that ran from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes. This “thing” that scanned through my body created a feeling of lightness. I can’t explain it any better than that. When I turned the corner, and entered the bathroom and flipped the light switch, I saw my reflection in the mirror. For the first time in years, I saw a glimmer of hope, of strength, of determination to continue on in life. I no longer felt alone, I no longer felt like I must have done something to somehow deserve any of this “bad” stuff. It was a feeling of, this is happening AND I am not alone AND I will be ok.
It is “that moment” and “that feeling”, that will always remind me there is indeed something bigger than me out there. Something I have never been able to articulate the true idea of, but I know what I felt that day. I know how my life drastically changed for the better in that moment. I know what I saw in the mirror that day. I know the feeling of comfort, love, hope, faith, grace, forgiveness, heck, I felt it all in that split second and I knew something was there to help carry this amount of darkness, sadness and hopelessness.
Perhaps I am not a religious person in the way that organized religion will define, perhaps I am a mere mortal that cannot retell many of the Biblical stories nor recite all the 10 Commandments like I should. Perhaps I am just a woman who has no doubt there is a God, there is something bigger than myself out there and it has been next to me through countless times in my life, even when I wasn’t paying attention. I believe in something. I have my Faith and I say my prayers every single night before bed. I find myself randomly having conversations with God at different times throughout the day for various reasons. I sense something around me once in a while and it provides me comfort and a feeling of connection. I am still questioning, I am still trying to figure this all out. It is my personal journey with my Spirituality.
Today I find myself in many social settings where Spirituality is controversial and sometimes quite frankly, a topic we shy away from. However, I love hearing other people’s perspectives on Spirituality and what it means to them…if anything. Inviting people to have a conversation on something that has been one of certainty to some, as well as uncertainty to others, is intriguing to me. I appreciate the mystery that revolves around Spirituality. For me, I enjoy the storytelling. I find value in the search of answers to the questions; is there a God, which God is the true God and is there a religion that has the right set of beliefs, which religion is the true religion?
Honestly, I don’t know who is right, who is wrong. Maybe it is more than right and wrong. For me, it doesn’t matter. I have experienced many things in my life that keeps faith in my heart even when my head tells me something different. I don’t believe I need to identify myself with one religion, one Church. I know what is in my heart, I know it is my faith that keeps me believing there is more good than bad, there is a purpose I have and there is meaning to my life, and all my loved ones that have left this world are in a much better place watching over me every day.
In respect, peace and love,
heather
coachheathergerdes@gmail.com